July 23, 2017
I am well aware of my age. I am well aware of all that my body has been through during the last 15 years of motherhood. I am well aware of the statistics of increased instance of Down Syndrome and other chromosomal differences in children born to women 40 and older. But at this point in my life, I can’t imagine looking into the face of God Almighty and saying, “No thank you. No, we don’t want any more children, but thanks.” And so, Scott and I, hand in hand, live on into our forties.
Living with teenage daughters is awesome. Some things are a little tricky though, like sneaking pregnancy tests into the house. So it’s quite a rush when I hide my box, wait for a quiet moment, and discover what I already know to be true. Back in April was such a night, and with my positive test hidden under my old t-shirts, I was racking my brain on how to tell Scott. It’s one of my favorite moments. I could recount for you every. single. time. I’ve told Scott that I was expecting. But at this point it was midnight, Troy was asleep on my chest, and I was waiting for Scott to come to bed. I had the biggest smile on my face, but I was trying to hide my news until the morning when I could be more creative. Scott climbed into bed, rolled over and said, “Are you alright?”
Forget creative. With the moonlight shining in our window, Troy’s heart beating against mine, I whispered, “I’m pregnant!”
With a big smile Scott simply said, “Congratulations.”
A baby is a gift in any form for any amount of time. Just knowing we were expecting was an exciting joy all on its own. We had decided to announce after our first ultrasound, so I did my best to suck it in and act normal (ha).
Several weeks went by and the day of my ultrasound had arrived. Before I left for my ultrasound, I sat in my prayer closet to pray for me, our baby and my doctor. Strangely, I prayed, “Please give me courage.”
I’ll be honest, sometimes I hate my prayer closet. Sometimes it freaks me out. I didn’t quite know at that moment, but I drove all the way to the doctor’s thinking, “Why would I need courage?”
The scriptures tell us the Holy Spirit prays on our behalf. Romans 8:26
It’s always fun to walk into my OBGYN’s office. I’ve been friends with this staff for 10 years. It’s almost like Norm walking into the Cheers bar (but not). I was excited to see everyone and excited to boast of our new baby. But back in the exam room as I talked with my doctor I couldn’t quite shake my dark thoughts. We settled in to see the ultrasound monitor and I was the first to say it out loud.
“There’s no heartbeat.”
The doctor scrambled and pushed some buttons. He turned on the sound waves at the bottom of the screen.
“There’s no sound waves. Are there any sound waves?”
Would someone please say something?
He confirmed, “No, I am so sorry, there aren’t any sound waves.”
The three of us just sat there, the doctor, the nurse and I, staring at my still little baby. It felt like an eternity of silence. He was so peaceful, but not in a good way. I started crying. Crying and crying and crying.
I am so grateful for all that God has given me. I love my husband, I love our kids, I love our home. It’s not that I need anything or anyone more. It’s just that at this point in life I can’t bring myself to say, “No thank you.”
I lost a baby that week. We lost a baby that week.
Scott and I continue to trust the Lord with our health, our minds, our family and our finances. We will wait and see what His will is for our future. Until then, there’s plenty around here to keep us busy.
5And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.